To be blunt: I LOVED MY THIRD SEMESTER.

Elaboration: Ever since being accepted to college, I had been feeling a bit lost.

In high school, it was so clear what I was aiming for. I wanted to get into Brown so I could be immersed in a diverse, intellectual environment. In my mind, Brown was perfect: it was a place to learn, but also to have fun; it wasn’t competitive; the goal was accumulating knowledge and new perspectives in life rather than earning straight A’s.

Once I had entered college, though the school itself was okay, I suddenly became acutely aware that there was another world outside of college. A world where I would have to work as someone’s bitch, carrying out their vision while sacrificing my own, leading a life that was not necessarily unhappy, but definitely unfulfilling. I think my problem might have been the fact that I was fine with that. I thought: as long as I was happy, I didn’t care. Fulfillment didn’t seem to be necessary.

Over the course of this semester, I began to realize that happiness isn’t enough for me. I need fulfillment. Maybe I even need fulfillment at the expense of happiness? Or is that not possible. Are the two correlated? (I haven’t figured out this part yet.) Anyway, it’s not enough for me to work at something I like and earn a decent salary and live in a nice place and live a happy life. Even if I have to struggle and lead a shitty life, I want to be working towards something great. Something meaningful, fulfilling, satisfying. Something I’m passionate about.

Deciding to drop Macroeconomics and to major in Computer Science/Art History was probably the best decision of my college career. I almost feel like I’m going back to my roots. Economics wasn’t something I had really considered until my senior year of high school, but even in elementary school, I liked working with computers and art. And these two fields are things that make my life meaningful. I can spend 3 hours a week on Macroecon and I will complain about it like a bitch. 20 hours a week on CS doesn’t faze me. Nor does 60 hours a week on art history (this definitely happened last semester). Yes, I’m going to be spending more hours studying, I’ll probably have lots of mental breakdown and moments where I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing…but it’s worth it. It’s worth so much more than what I was doing before.

I feel like I rediscovered why I love life. I loved every class I took this semester. CS was great. My literature class kept me sane. My management class made me realize that I don’t have to live carrying out someone’s vision, but that I could carry out my own. Even statistics, which caused me so much stress at the end, was really interesting.

I have a better idea of what I want out of life now. Being happy is still on the list, but what that goal entails is much less vague. I need to: maintain perspective, be open to new things (ideas, experiences, people, etc.), strive to do my own personal best (don’t compare myself to others), learn, absorb. I need to constantly push myself, take risks, discover new things, work towards something. Read good books, listen to good music, watch life-changing movies.

A week ago I started listening to Toro Y Moi’s “How I Know” and I rediscovered what it felt like to fall in love (I hadn’t felt it since high school). I need more of that in my life. Less of what I was doing freshman year, whatever that was.